Jelly On A Vibroplate

I have discovered the actual exercise ‘buzz’ that the fit people talk of in recent weeks and it’s really not hard work at all.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ‘the Vibroplate.’  Don’t get excited, it’s not from Ann Summers, sadly, but one of the many machines of torture they have at the local gym to tryst with.   Described as “giving you intense vibrations that provide an easy, quick and gentle way of burning calories,’ experts claim standing on this for 5-10 minutes, 3 times a week whilst performing simple stretches can burn 500 calories – or two large glasses of wine in my currency.

Brad Pitt mistaking random Glaswegian children for me

With Brad Pitt in Glasgow this week, I decided it was time to trim off a few inches to help me run away from him if he spots me. Honestly!  I can only hope the stalking will stop sometime soon.

Standing legs apart in a squat position for my first 45 second burst on this rather strange machine felt OK, until my daughter pointed out that a gym instructor had decided to demonstrate the machine to his client and both men were stood directly behind my outward thrust backside watching. Nice!  I also caused a ripple of giggles from all around when bumping up the power up to maximum vibration and exclaiming, rather too loudly, “woah this is weird!” in a scary, shaky Dalek voice.  I did however, resist my natural comedic urge to burst into a verse of, “Jelly On A Plate.”  I wish I could say the same for my daughter.

Does it work?  Well, the jury is out as I haven’t ventured on it too many times.. mainly in case my teeth fall out (do be careful with those speed settings), but you have to carry out a series of poses and stretches, pretty much as you would with free floor work.  I just don’t get it.

My own approach to vibroplate calorie control has involved carrying an actual plate that wobbles at high speed from the buffet to your table, resulting in a 40-60% food loss on the way.  Calorific genius… otherwise known as excessive vodka consumption.

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