Things I Put Under My Bum and Other Likely Stories

It’s ten to two in the afternoon. Why am I telling you this? Well, I thought I’d add ‘Speaking Clock’ to my list of blog extras…

I jest of course. The time is relevant to this post because the postman came at 9am this morning and I’ve sat on one particular letter – not daring to open it – until ten minutes ago. Why? Positive thinking of course.

Eh?

I watched a documentary on Netflix the other day called ‘The Secret.’ It was about, oddly enough, The Secret – you know, that thing we all need to do to have a successful life full of abundance? In short, according to The Secret whatever we think and say to ourselves over Imageand over about our future will come true. Like now for instance.  I’m chanting as I type: ‘the person reading this blog will have an itch on their left thigh NOW and later turn into an avid reader of all of my books.’

Did you get the itch? No? The desire to read my books may arrive around about the time you change washing powders and develop an allergy, but it will be worth it, I promise.

Anyhoo, I digress. I said I didn’t open the letter because of positive thinking. Well, according to The Secret, if I imagine nothing but bills and debt notices coming through the door everyday that’s what I will get.

‘Crikey,’ I thought. ‘I didn’t realise I’d been thinking about free satchets of Slimfast and bulk buying herbal remedies that much.’

But The Secret says I have to stop this kind of thinking and instead imagine cheques arriving. Lovely, big cheques with lots of 0000’s.

So I was sat on the letter, ignoring the bit of Scottish Court Service crest I could spy through the little cellophane window and didn’t allow myself to have that thought. You know the one:

*whispers* ‘oh nuts, who is coming for payment via all my worldly possessions (a tumble dryer and a half eaten tuna baguette) now?’

I sat on it. And I imagined big, fat cheques accompanied by nice letters from the Sherriff Clerk’s Office.

“Dear Mrs Hill,

It has come to our attention that you have paid far too much Council Tax lately, especially considering that council operatives leave your bin in the middle of your drive each week after emptying it; an act you thought in one of your ‘moments of positive thinking’ was so that no council officials can proceed up it to issue another summons for late payment because the binmen think you are nice.

So, please find a cheque containing one squillion 0’s just the way you pictured them. Sorry about the addition of a small photo of Colin Firth’s bottom. You were thinking hard today but unfortunately, other things came through. Maybe you should practice meditation.

PS I’m more of a Hugh Grant fan myself.

Yours

Clerk of Court.”

Image
Taken today – thank you Mr Binmen

I opened the letter at twenty to two – almost five hours after I got it and guess what? As per my under-bum universal ordering technique, there were LOTS of 0’s…

Please phOne us between 09.00am and 5.00pm.

This is FOrm nO SCS001

YOu are required by law tO reply Or yOu will be fined £200.

On Our list Of pOtential jurOrs yOu are nO 32003234

Yeay, Jury Service! Which, according to the letter I can’t do if I’m a solicitor or an advocate. Well, I’ve NEVER studied law and I’m definitely NOT a pear.

Let me do it!  I’m fair (blonde) and impartial (to a doughnut).

Bring it on…

Like to laugh at stories about my bum? I fell on it at the gym once: https://hell4heather.com/2013/04/18/whos-laughing-now/

So TRUE quote of the week: (read the entire article HERE)

gilbert

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