Twenty Eight Days to Mrs D

COver design smallerANNOUNCEMENT: Four weeks today my debut comedy novel, The New Mrs D, will be published. On Independence Day, which is sort of fitting, as that is what it has turned out to be for me –  a twelve times rejected author.

You can read pre-order the book now on Amazon HERE

So, without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to my protagonist, Bernice Dando –  a lady who, unbelievably, marries a man knowing full well he has a history of porn addiction and who is the most accident prone and socially awkward/borderline embarrassing person you’ll ever meet.

Or, is she?

Regular readers of my blog will be screaming a resounding ‘NO’.

Who do I know that was labelled ‘Calamity Jane’ by her father?

Who, pregnant with her first child, was reading the label on a bottle of iron tablets and went around asking everyone at her very serious office of work what ‘stools’ were? ‘It say’s “may darken stools”. What are stools?’ PS She really wishes this bit wasn’t true and would like to announce that she knows what they are now. PPS Iron tablets are absolutely USELESS as a wood stain, incidentally.

Who once found a cow in her garden and launched a bag of rubbish at it in alarm? PS the links are the clue…

Who, deciding that reaching the age of forty was the time to START getting fit, took her first trip to the gym and fell spectacularly off the treadmill in an episode worthy of a You’ve Been Framed audition?

Who, on a job interview at a very posh-don’t-you-know Art Gallery, answered, ‘isn’t he that actor bloke from Bread?’ when asked if she knew who Peter Howse was?

Who, on a recent whisky tour of Islay, managed to get lost in, then followed round and out of a Woollen Mill by the proprietor’s  elderly dog after being warned, ‘please don’t let him come downstairs, he’s very frail.’?

I could go on and on and on; but, knowing me, I’d fall off.

And so, to you my dear reader, (are you still here?) I’m wondering what has happened to YOU on your Mrs D days?

Every day now, for the next 28 days leading up to The New Mrs D’s release I am going to ask this question and wait for your replies, either on here on Twitter or on Facebook. On my publication day – THE FOURTH OF JULY – (she hinted) – I will share the funniest ones in a blog post dedicated to all of you.

IN ANOTHER EXCITING DEVELOPMENT I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE AWAY A FREE ADVANCED READER eBOOK COPY A WEEK TO THE PERSON THAT MADE ME LAUGH THE MOST.*

*OFFER ENDS 3rd JULY 2014*

So,  hoping I don’t learn I am actually completely alone and get 28 days of radio silence, here is the question:

What is the most embarrassing thing you have done?

– There will be points deducted for putting ‘read this blog post’. 😉

And, as you might expect, I have countless tales to tell. But I’ve managed to pick one to get you started:

The Case of the Disappearing Moustache – how do you plead?

GUILTY

AS a younger whippersnapper, I worked as an auxiliary nurse on a coronary care unit and was sent by the ward Sister to give a coma patient a wash and shave. I noted said gentleman had a rather scruffy, Hitler-esque moustache, so, tutting at the shoddy, uncaring workmanship of the previous day’s staff, I carefully and methodically set about giving the poor man a clean shave. There, that’s better.

The next morning I was summoned to the ward Sister’s office to explain to relatives where the patient’s FIFTY YEAR OLD moustache had gone.

NB luckily, they saw the funny side…

And now, over to you 🙂 I hope you will share your own stories below.

REVIEWERS – I will happily send an advance reader copy of THE NEW MRS D to any bloggers/book reviewers in exchange for an HONEST review.

Please email me at hell4heather@gmail.com if you would like one.

I got my first, (sort of) one today. Thanks FLEUR FERRIS

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22 thoughts on “Twenty Eight Days to Mrs D”

  1. When I was 16, I worked in M&S. I was – amongst other things – a trained bra fitter. In that role you see all sorts, but the day the 83 yr old woman stripped stark bollock naked in order for me to measure her is a day I might never quite recover from. I was
    mortified when I threw those curtains back. Lift and separate brought on a whole new meaning that day!

    1. Haha! 😀 I just got this in an email notification, opened it on my phone and burst out laughing while the family are watching something really sad on the TV. Think I’m in the doghouse… Thanks for that, absolutely brilliant X

  2. Not sure I can equal feelthefearandwriteitanyway but my most embarrassing moment was heading up a narrow stairway with my backpack over my shoulder from the waiting area to see a managing director for a job interview.
    Well I felt my bag touch one of the photo frames they had up on the wall setting it swinging. So I moved my bag over to my other shoulder and in swinging it up managed to take out three frames which fell to the ground to the accompaniment of the sound of breaking glass.
    Didn’t get the job for some reason!

  3. On a first date in a very posh Chinese restaurant, we were brought little hot towel/flannel things after the first course, which had been rather messy finger food. Out of vanity I hadn’t worn my glasses, and I assumed mine was a spring roll and tried to eat it.

  4. Hard to share one story as every day I embarrass myself. 🙂 Thanks for the follow. I’ll be back to check out your blog and add my story.

    1. Please do Shelley. I have had a couple emailed to me from friends who don’t want to post them here too. It has given me a real giggle! I thought I was accident prone! Thanks for stopping by though 🙂 x

  5. My most embarrassing moment happened when I spent 6 weeks in France after my A levels. Me and my friend Juliet often hitched rides from our camp site in Golfe Juans into Cannes and tried to get the swankiest of cars to stop. One day we had a lift in a porsche. Juliet got the front seat and I got in the back. We were dropped off outside a packed bar. Juliet got out and I clambered out of the back, as I stood up I trod on the back of my dress – it was one of those strapless numbers with an elasticated top – a bit like a boob tube – as I straightened up the top came right down and I revealed all to the packed bar! there was a lot of whistling and cheering and my friend Juliet laughed hysterically as I ran up the road trying to pull my dress back up. Funny thing was I had been sunbathing topless all day, but it was still really embarrassing to do an unintentional flash in the evening.

  6. My most embarrassing ‘work related’ moment was when we were filming a play for a small theatre company. We arrrived on location and welcomed by the client who I had met briefly the week before. After a couple of minutes of talking she moved towards me with her arm out stretched. How odd I thought, why does she want a cuddle? I obliged politely – only to discover she was reaching behind me to adjust the window blind! M.O.R.T.I.F.I.E.D!

    1. Karis, that is exactly the kind of thing I would do 🙂 I think I’m going to be able to write a whole new novel with all of this material LOL. Thank you for stopping by xx

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