Sometimes I agree to do things, then only afterwards wonder if I have the necessary tools with which to complete the task in hand. Case in point – my latest endeavour to write a post for the CheckOneTwo #feelingnuts campaign.
CheckOneTwo was founded in 2012 by brothers, Simon and Andrew Salter, who were inspired to make a change after recognising that men are needlessly dying from one of the most preventable forms of cancer.
If testicular cancer is caught early, it is 100% curable. However, being blokes themselves, they understood the male attitude towards health and knew that guys are all a little too laid back to keep a check on their love grenades.
Last month CheckOneTwo approached me asking if I could write a blog on their September challenge subject: naming your balls.
‘Sure, I’ll do a blog,’ says I. ‘Anything to help raise awareness for a great cause.’
The challenge is to share the hilarious pet names men have for their balls, tagging your posts with #feelingnuts and challenge others to do the same. After all, it’s been proven that once something has a name, you’re bound to take better care of it.
It was only a short while after agreeing that I noticed a slight hitch; I don’t actually have any balls. No, really… So I had to send the weirdest email EVER to a few of my male pals and associates. A few of the folks I contacted are even still talking to me now too. So anyway, I call mine ‘Scruples’ – because I clearly don’t have any. Here is what the guys had to say:
Ivor Baddiel, comedy writer & author:
‘I call mine Gilbert and George because whatever I do, they’re always there…and because one of them wears glasses and the other was born in Italy…and because they’re a bit reclusive…oh, and because they’re gay…’
Jon Rance, author.
‘I’ve always had a close relationship with my nuts. They’re like family and so I’ve always lovingly referred to them as Mum & Dad. And like Mum & Dad, I don’t mind them being there during the day, but at night when it’s time to have some fun, they just hang around awkwardly getting in the way.’
Will Stockham, MD, ScottishRoutes.com:
‘Sometimes, mine are simply referred to as “The Boys”. No comedy reason other than to call them ‘The Girls” would be weird. Other times, they are referred to as “The McVites”… as in Ginger Nuts.’
‘In general I tend to call them my nuts, partly to facilitate some grim jokes about the health benefits of nut butter. Occasionally, other titles have occurred (McCoist & Hateley. The classic combination of one being bigger than the other but combining perfectly when it comes to scoring), but over the years it’s become apparent that while women accept testicles and their role, they tend not to be enthused by attempts to use them as part of an analysis of the 4-4-2 system.’
Dylan Hearn, Author
‘I just call mine “balls” to be honest. But my son calls his “peanuts”. Well, he is only seven… and he never leaves them alone…’
Phil Purdie, MD, SnowSkool.com
‘War & Peace…reflective of the two-dimensional approach of my genitals to life and their unnerving ability to get me in and out of trouble. Peace hangs a little lower as he is more relaxed…War is balled-up tight, like a coiled spring…’
Seaumas Gallacher, Author
‘I call mine Francie & Josie because they always provoke more laughs than me!’
‘I call mine “Labour” and “Tory” because they are just so alike.’
And finally, from Mr Hill:
‘I cover mine in minty chocolate and call them Torville & Dean, because they do a great Ball Aero.’